As we pick
up the session from part one, we are continuing our perfect weight
control session where the client realises that by reading about
hayfever in a magazine, she unconsciously created the condition
within herself. She continues.
Gosh no, I
had it for a few years and it was just an itchy pallet and I didn’t
know that that was a symptom of hayfever and it wasn’t until I read
it in a magazine that the symptoms fully developed. AND
they DID!
Yes, Gosh, don’t!
Well, if you ever want
that addressed we’ll do that for you! (laughter) Though I
suspect you’ll be doing that for yourself now.
The first time I
treated someone for that was when I was doing a seminar in a hotel
and I thought the girl on reception was upset. She explained it was
hayfever and I found myself saying, ‘have you always had that
then?’ Anyway, I brought her into the course when she was able to
get cover and, in front of a large audience, I did this hayfever
treatment with her and from her eyes being really puffy and her nose
running etc within a couple of hours there were no symptoms and it
was fantastic.
I just tell you that for your unconscious to play
with, because you reading that women’s magazine is a little like
reading a book on illnesses isn’t it? You begin to feel, with
some relief it must be said, that you must indeed have some lurgy
that explains all of your symptoms until you read that it is confined
only to the pygmy population in outer Mongolia or something like
that!
Some people who have discovered they have high
blood pressure may have had certain stresses at that time that
elevated it beyond the norm, though chances are that as soon as
someone says, ‘oh your blood pressure’s a little high’ that it
will be high again the next time it is taken in those same
circumstances because of the ‘anchoring’ effect.
Introducing ‘anchoring’ here is useful for later therapy.
I had preclampsia when I was pregnant and it changed
minute by minute!
I said the
following: Your body is in a constant state of flux. Watch
anything at all about the physicality of the human body on one of
these brilliant tv documentaries and you can become completely
enamoured by its intelligence. Get a scratch on the back of
your hand one day and you may notice it and say, ‘oh look there’s
a scratch on the back of my hand I wonder how that got there’ and
with total confidence you will know that within days it will have
healed completely and almost disappeared.
In fact, we can take
this innate healing so much for granted that someone else usually
comments on it when they notice the improvement. If you have any
minor damage to any part of the body that is not debilitating you
have expected it to go quickly and before you are aware of it, it has
gone. When you bring your attention to something it sensitises it.
So when you bring your attention to your hayfever (sneeze!) the
symptoms would get worse before they get better.
Your
body constantly recreates itself! You know it is marvellous, as soon
as that scratch on the hand is acknowledged, the cells start
dividing, the blood supply is increased in that area, you know even
now you are making bone? How do you make bone? Do you really need
to know? It’s a miracle isn’t it? You kind
of accept that miracle more readily when you are pregnant don’t
you? You are aware of the fact that you are actually growing a
human being and when your baby is born you think, wow, did I do that,
how did that happen then! (laughter).
Though every day is a
miracle, your hair is growing, your nails are growing, your body is
constantly in a state of flux. And knowing that to be true, there
is no reason why a particular method of eating or even exercise would
work in the same way for you your whole life through.
You know
sometimes some method will work beautifully for you for a certain
amount of time and years later you put the same method into operation
saying to yourself, ‘I know exactly what to do to lose weight’
and it doesn’t work. Your body and your mind is always evolving,
changing and it may be a simple fact that you deprived yourself so
readily and expertly last time and was so entirely miserable in the
process, that your unconscious mind will now do all that it can to
prevent it happening again! Maybe you were more resilient then
and could distract yourself more from the discomfort, maybe deep down
you would like to be happier than you were then and if happiness was
once equated with being free to eat what you like and particularly
those choccies and sweets then you can work out the rest. So we
need to find out now what will be the most helpful for you at this
stage in your life.
Right.
More details
taken now, about job, GP and medication. Conversation follows about
wanting to come off some medication originally prescribed for
depression years ago, and her now imagining she would become anxious,
should she decrease the dosage as recommended by her doctor. I state
that being depressed and being anxious are two different states and
it is impossible to experience two opposing states at the same time.
She
continued. You know, I have had some terrible things happen to me
over the last eight years and the times I have been to the doctors
about depression it has always been to do with my weight. Like ‘I
can’t go on like this’. Always to do with my weight.
I said.
You know if we were being filmed, some therapists would be saying,
‘why is she going into a discussion about something else rather
than focussing on what the client came for, her weight issues?’ and
yet you have just proved the validity of doing just that as you have
now connected the depression and anxiety to your weight issues
without me having to say anything. It is far more
important than people think you know, weight issues, particularly
with a lady. Although we might want to be perceived by the outside
world as an intellectual being, as a personality etc, the first thing
any stranger notices about us is our physical self… And
it is the first thing we notice about other people.
These
comments are offered to judge responses to how important client
perceives the presentation of one’s physical self to be, as
judgements of others are reflected in the harsh judgments of
self. Access and treat one and usually, the other is positively
affected too.
We know this, because this is how we
ourselves judge the world. We get to know somebody and then perhaps
think they are not as bad as we at first thought and put our
judgments to one side, eventually.
We cannot escape the absolute
truth that for our own survival and for our own sanity, we have to
make these snap judgments and pigeon hole people before we know how
to respond to them. Our own perceptions of how we relate to a ‘fat
person’ and what we perceive about their lifestyle are important;
is fat this, is fat that, is fat happy, is fat a Dawn French happy?
We then overlay that as soon as we meet another, as if we put
ourselves in their position, judging ourselves in the way that we
would judge others and that leads to our lack of confidence. And
then some others may completely overcompensate and the confidence
that they are trying to construct makes them appear arrogant. It is
a male/female divide, and also a cultural one, I have seen men in
Greece stroking their bellies to attract favourable attention, as if
to say, I am so rich and powerful I can afford all of this food and
rich living and if you are lucky today, I might share it with you!
(laughter)
Different cultures perceive the idea of ‘fat’ in
different ways. Though I would imagine, and it is for you to tell
me, that you don’t perceive the idea of fat in a good light.
I
will think negatively about someone who is overweight and then
chastise myself for thinking that way because how can I make that
judgement when I am overweight? Maybe it is because I didn’t have
a weight problem until my thirties and so I still perceive myself as
slim. Though in saying that, my very best friend my whole life has
always been very overweight and I love her to bits and I have never
thought badly of her.
So you realise now you are
fighting against the perceptions of yourself rather than of other
people. Perhaps if fat means lazy then you could be trying to prove
to the world that you are not lazy, though proving that mostly to
yourself. (nods of confirmation).
She
continued. Yes, as the weight came on I know now that I was
desperate to appear to be more active and I joined a gym and all
sorts. I can see what you mean about that.
I said
that ultimately it is how we perceive ourselves which can be our most
supportive ally or it could be our saboteur too.
She said
that so, you asked me about parents and my mom has always had a thing
about weight.
She is always making comments to me and I think that
plays a part doesn’t it?
In filling out the
client form, there was a section about parents, whether they were
alive or dead.
Some
clients cloak trauma to themselves by measuring time in different
ways. For example, saying their father died when they were ten years
old. Then, later, when asked when a particular problem first
occurred, the client will say it began in such and such a year, or so
and so years ago, which exactly coincides with them being ten years
old.
I had only
asked fleetingly whether the parents were still alive and yet some
time later, the unconscious brings the mother into the therapy as
relevant. This is why all questions on your client form are
useful.
Yes.
What comments does she make I asked.
Oh God, it
can range from, if I have a biscuit at her house she will say ‘I
thought you were on a diet’. Though if I am ‘being good’ she
will be the first to keep offering me ‘bad’ foods. And if I
refer to seeing a cousin of mine the other day she will say something
like, ‘oh and she has put on a lot of weight as well hasn’t she?’
I would think ‘why would you say that?’ Her conversation is
littered with comments such as that.
Notice
again the references my client makes to being good and bad which
indicate that eating ‘bad’ foods is perceived as naughty,
exciting even, or rebelling against mom, exerting her own power.
I then
continued. What is the most hurtful?
She said
once that I looked a mess.
Is a mess
to do with weight or hair? I asked.
She didn’t
say so but I knew it was to do with my weight. She said ‘just look
at you, you’re just a mess’ and it really upset
me. Yes Especially as, I suppose, I consider
myself to be quite stylish, I have always liked to wear make up and,
you know, from time to time I have let myself go. I would never
dream of saying something like that to my mom.
I
continued. Let’s give you an example here to illustrate what I
would like to say next. Let’s say there is a lady outside of
the front of this building now and from our point of view there is no
way she needs to worry about her weight, we would look at her and
would think, wouldn’t it be great to look like that, she looks
fantastic. And there is an eight year old boy on a skateboard not
paying any attention to where he is going. Suddenly he crashes into
this lady. She is stunned and he picks up his skateboard and
shouts ‘fat cow!’ as he disappears down the street. Now, she
would probably, (stereo-types here) get upset. Maybe not there and
then, though maybe when she gets home, or she might ring up a friend
and tell them all about it. Perhaps just before she goes to sleep
tonight she sheds a few tears. It would perhaps affect her
adversely.
You see, insults only upset us if .... Read
Part 4 to learn how insults upset us and what we can do to stop it!
