Insulting Clients! More Weighty Issues!

We are continuing our series of articles knowing that INSULTS ONLY UPSET US WHEN on some level of our being we believe them to be true. 

‘On some level of our being’ means it could be out of our awareness, that this may be a fear about becoming fat, having remembered being teased as being fat at school, or simply a reflection of our own judgments as that is as bad as it could be for us to be that which we so despise.

Using metaphor here and some dissociation for the upsetting comments from mom to ease processing.

So regardless of what anybody says beyond that, you know, family and friends saying things like, ‘don’t be stupid, look at you, you are fine’ (So now she’s fat AND stupid right?). Fat is an issue. One way or another, it is an issue for her, that’s what causes the upset, why her unconscious carries it with her into other parts of her reality, instead of dismissing the comment as irrelevant.

You could say nobody really MAKES us feel upset, it is our reaction to the comment that is disturbing. We only get upset if we take it on board and judge ourselves just as harshly as the outsider.

How much do you know about how your mom perceived her body as a child and how she was brought up by her mom? Rather than interrogate you about that(!) I want you to almost unconsciously take that on board to balance what is happening with you, sometimes when she is saying these things to you just be curious about ….

The client then finishes my sentence for me with the words ‘about where that came from.’

It is absolutely great when the client finishes the sentence for you, and in the correct manner too!

Yes, because these things tend to get filtered down through generations and probably, I know I cannot say this with absolute truth, though probably her attempts to make you the perfect physical specimen have been kind of misinterpreted in her own mind. Her endeavours to make you as healthy as possible and for you to be physically perfect have maybe come out in the wrong way. She may have had the best of intentions though it has not come out right. No mother would intentionally screw up their child!

The client then agrees with the statement, no, you are right.

 Well, you know, nobody teaches us to be a mother, we draw on whatever resources we have and sometimes we may overdo something because it was a big thing for us when we were young and we want to ‘save’ our child from the same torment, though who knows what other imbalances might be created along the way.

We draw on our own experiences of being a child and we get to that point when we catch ourselves saying something that our mothers used to say to us…..

The client then continues with Oh I know! I’ve done that! (laughter)

Genuine good humour is such a valuable tool, it disintegrates (literally) the negative energy and ‘breaks state’ when enough information has been processed on a particular subject.

 How well do you sleep. Do you relax well?

How about exercise?

The client answers with I go through phases. I used to like walking. In February this year I joined a ladies’ cycling club. With all the rain we had I stopped going as regularly and then altogether.

 Did the group stop?

She answered with no, they still went but I didn’t fancy going in the rain. And I am not good in the heat at all and being overweight it has been worse. It seems to have gone by the wayside … I am thinking of joining the gym now.

There is contradiction here, so is it the damp and cold that hinders the activity or the heat? No need to bring contradictions to the surface, the client’s mind is aware and that is enough. Notice my next comment, introducing the idea of enjoying a physical activity.

What will you enjoy at the gym?

Here is where it gets interesting as the client continues. Well I…… I don’t enjoy the gym. When I first started cycling I remember saying I had finally found the exercise that I enjoy. 

The client is switching modalities now, from feeling to visual. She knows she has a block and that’s good. Notice the eyes will lift from looking down to searching up into the visual field.

I ask her what is her bike like.

She continues. It’s an old one that was made up for me and it does the job. I was even wearing the clip on shoes. I did the Devon coast to coast in April and was doing 70 miles in one day. But again, I have got this attitude of being all or nothing. I either stick to a diet or pig out. I am either doing lots of exercise or no exercise. I do tend to push myself and then forget I am not the same as I used to be. I push myself to the boundaries and my mum will tell me not to overdo it. I think that’s where I trip up because I end up exhausted.

The client is now recognising within herself now that mom does care!

I ask her. Have you always been this hard on yourself?

I don’t know! (laughter) Yes, I think so!

I say.  So, standing beside yourself now if you could just now see this situation in an objective way. If this were your daughter talking to you saying these things, what would be the advice you would give to her?

I am doing some ‘gesalt’ work now to aid processing.

Client comments that she would say, Chill out!

I then answer her by saying the following. I do chill out! If I chill out too much mom I won’t do any cycling at all so don’t tell me to chill out!

The client then continues. I know what I would say, but if someone were saying it to me I suppose I would say, well, ‘how do you do that?’ I would say ‘just take it slower, don’t charge in ….’

 So this is the time to be gentle on yourself. You see, I am not expecting an answer, in fact if there were an answer I would think I had got all of that wrong then! (laughter).

The fact that there is not an answer means that it is not available to you through your conscious awareness. Your unconscious knows. It’s like your unconscious is sitting there saying, ‘I have known for years!’ (laughter) ‘You haven’t listened to me have you! You do know that there is a mechanism within you that will balance all of this out.

You have realised that it’s all or nothing with yourself as you have described it. So let’s make it quite ridiculous for you now. Let’s suggest that instead of dieting religiously for six months and then having two years off (laughter), that, say, you experiment in your mind now with dieting for one day and having the next day off. Because, well, what is the difference?

The client then adds. Yes. Ok.

 So, being the personality that you are at the moment, going on past strategies, on the first day you would have a couple of lettuce leaves (laughter), cycle 70 miles, (laughter), and wake up in the morning saying, ‘oh right, today’s my fat day, I can eat whatever I want!’. So, what is it, what is it that you would look forward to eating?

She says, ohhhh, chocolate. Sweets, cake, biscuits.

Important information now, establishing what, specifically, are the changes in eating habits that will be of most use and promote the most noticeable changes in behaviour.

Particularly what chocolate? I ask her.

I like it all!

And biscuits, what biscuits in particular?

I like them all. If I can’t make my mind up I will just take everything.. You know, like the vending machine at work in the morning break, a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar and going back and having another chocolate bar.

And would you have had your healthy sandwiches with you at work?

Yes, I probably would have taken fruit with me. And yoghurts. I would be prepared, but would still want them.

 So how would that affect how you felt, from having the chocolate bar and the crisps and then returning for another chocolate bar?

It’s almost like physically you feel better because you are giving yourself that buzz, you have satisfied that need, but mentally, I know I have kind of sat there and weighed up who is there in the room (God it’s terrible) because you don’t want everyone to know that you have had two bars of chocolate…

Do you know what the client means? Note how we deal with shame in part five of this article.