Smoking and CHOICE!

Life as a successful hypnotist is somewhat of an usual one.  One day you are walking into a pub to the comments such as, "Don’t look into her eyes!" or, "You can't stop me smoking" (to which, after ten years of similar comments, I inwardly question why I would want to and where's my two hundred pounds) and the next you are being worshiped as a semi deity because you have lowered someone’s blood pressure, sent their life-threatening condition into remission, or just freed them of their addiction to chocolate biscuits, though perhaps not all on the same day.

 The one thing folks associate professional hypnotherapy with the most, in my experience, is stopping smoking.  The results of your first stop smoking therapy session can make or break a career in hypnotherapy, no matter how talented a therapist you are.   Let’s say you are a newly qualified hypnotherapist.  You put your heart and soul into over two hours of the best therapy you could muster and have gone for two whole days with your fingers crossed hoping that it has worked and then a friend of a friend thought they overheard someone saying that who they think may have been your client might actually be smoking again and you are crushed. You resolve never to ever try to help someone stop smoking again! If this sounds familiar, or promotes a lurking fear of dread to the surface, then read on.

One Hit Wonder?

Many schools and advanced master classes teach the two session smoking cessation method.   It is valuable to have some kind of follow up, maybe either telephone the client, get them to text you, or even come back at the same time next week, though do get some kind of response rather than blind hope to build your business on. These people will be going out into the community either singing your praises or not. So even if you do just the one session, follow up to know how effective you have been.

They are still smoking!

Actually, what has happened is they have started smoking again. There will have been some time after the session in which they were a non smoker. It may have been hours, days and sometimes years. I had a client return after two years of not smoking to say the session had not worked as someone offered him a cigarette at a New Year’s Eve party and he was drunk and did not know what he was doing, so had one and became a smoker again.  The mastermind phrase, 'I have started and so I will finish' has a lot to answer for!  Just because a cigarette has been offered, or lit, or bought, does not mean that the whole thing has to be smoked, and certainly does not mean that twenty more have to follow that day to finish one's past daily smoking behaviour. 

What do you do?

One cannot help but be changed by such deep inner work as occurs in hypnotherapy when the hypnotic state has been achieved during the session and the unconscious mind of the client has agreed to stop smoking.   So reconnect them with the experience of being a non smoker, recognising that the body was recovering and purifying itself.   The sense of smell and taste will have had time to recover and the unconscious will remember this and want an improved circumstance  to continue.  However brief or long a time it was that they experienced being free of tobacco,  let them elaborate on any negative aspects to truly process them out and to get rid of them, though remembering to return them to the positive effects of your therapy.   They will probably realise that they have been sleeping a lot better, their senses have been more engaged and they have been generally a lot happier, in addition to remembering they did actually stop smoking for a time.  This will get you into a more positive state too.

Information Time

You can suggest to them that they know far more about their smoking behaviour than ever before (and you will know more too) and ask them about it in detail.   Don’t accept the lazy phrase, ‘it just happened’, the conscious mind will try to trip you up.  Remember you could trance them if necessary;  just get the information as to why it was useful.    Acknowledge that indeed smoking that cigarette or cigar was useful because the unconscious never does anything without good reason.  Reiterate the physical effects of smoking, depending on what they say, for example if they did it to relax and you have explained that it speeds up heart activity you could say something like ,"I wonder why your unconscious would continue to believe something that is not true?"  This will instigate the separation that you need for part therapy.   It is not their fault that the unconscious has returned to the old habit, though it is their conscious choice to allow it to take place.   Perhaps ask, are you fed up enough now?

Choice

For your information, not the client’s, to help you understand how important this stage is, I will explain choice here.  It might sound simple to just choose, though I think choice is more complex than is appreciated.  Choice is one of the most powerful things a human being can do.

Making Choice Conscious

You can either regress to when they began smoking again, or project into the future to a time when they know they will smoke and get them to accept that they made a choice.   For whatever reason, they made a choice.   For example, consider the following.

I am smoking.  This is a choice. This is my choice.  I am choosing to do this. I am beginning to understand my reason for this choice. This is what I am feeling (stressed, for example) and this is how I am going to respond (because I believe this will relieve the stress).  This is the action I am going to take.  The result of my action was that I smoked a cigarette. That was my choice.  I may choose to experiment with doing something else the next time I feel stressed, or maybe not.

 You cannot go beyond something that you don’t do.  So all experience is useful.    I have found some clients go back to the behaviour seemingly to kind of test out whether life is in fact better with cigarettes or without them and then when they give up smoking ‘again’ it is with much more satisfaction, glee and determination that this truly is their choice!  I have also experienced family members, when I was newly qualified myself, tell me that the session had not worked, only to witness them giving up all by themselves a couple of weeks later, strange that, is it not? 

Some facts about choice

Choice offers freedom.  Choice can override genetic-hormonal codes.  Choice is focussed intent.  Choice is critical to changing action and image and essential to change itself.  It is the active agent (like yeast in bread) of your power, strength and talent.  It is the active agent of taking back your power with responsibility.

 The unconscious mind cannot choose

Choice selects the neural pathways of brain activity. When choice is accepted as a conscious act, the electromagnetic and electrochemical energies and forces of the brain are shifted and changed.  Neural pathways are changed by choice.   

Think about some good choices of the past, feel the sense of aliveness, gratitude to your old self and love for that past self having made the choice.   Feel self value.  Feel patience and feel power.   When you connect the client with this real past experience their unconscious will be having a template to use with this particular behaviour.   You can change your beliefs and your attitudes, though reality does not change until you make new choices  based upon your new beliefs or attitudes.

Choice triggers the action and implementation of belief, attitude, thought, feeling and decision making.

Just Pretend

What do we term it when we can’t do something but keep going until we can?   Well call it practising.   How do children practise to become well rounded adults?  (A little too rounded and we are perhaps on to the next topic of hypnotic gastric bands!)   Seriously, they do so, as we all did, by Pre Tending.   Pretend literally means before holding.    So you can even get the client to pretend they are a non smoker.  What would be different?    Maybe talk about the four levels of learning.  Where are they on the scale, is it maybe, conscious incompetence?   Great, because that is one step up from unconscious incompetence.   As we aim for conscious competence we need choice.    Unconscious competence surely follows this, as the client can easily demonstrate with other activities from the past.  

 If we pretend often enough, we get there.  

 State Dependent Behaviour

Choice is entwined with state dependent behaviour.   Will we just be sad until we stop being sad?   Or shall we choose to cheer ourselves up?   Does life just happen to us and affects us or do we happen to it?   Use this wonderful idea of truly being responsible, or to be literal, ‘response able’.   If the client says ‘it just happened’ that the cigarette was in their hand, then replay in detail, trance if necessary, how ‘it’ happened.   Return them to their choice.   What has to be happening around them for the behaviour to be triggered?

What about if they use the blanket global causal reasoning of stress?   How does the client know when they are stressed?  Does smoking really take away stress or just temporarily stops one thinking about the stressor?

 Awareness, to be aware, is the first step to conscious choice.

There are many suggestions you can make, such as the following.  Do you want this body to be something you can control?    This is called freedom.   Be so curious that you do not judge them, or yourself.   They are coming to you for help, so they trust that you will be helping them.  

Create better feelings for your client, saying something perhaps like, "let’s just feel better for no reason!"

Use NLP, swap tenses to encourage a link to past successes, for example, saying, "That is something you knew how to do, isn’t it?"

Create a caring for the physical self, and an acceptance of how things were, moving ahead with new choices.   Utilise the numb hand technique, or glove anaesthesia, suggesting that now that same powerful part of your mind that’s creating that numbness is now creating numbness for any remaining feelings of withdrawal whatsoever, whether they be psychological, physiological or mental, so that not only can you stop smoking, you do so comfortably, easily and naturally.

Reality is a monitor, a feedback device, let it feedback data to help you.  Tell them to expect positive results.  Tell yourself to expect positive results too.  The positive aspect of someone coming back to you saying your therapy didn’t work is that they are giving you an opportunity to put it right for them, rather than just talking about you unfavourably to other potential clients!

Work with the reality of what is happening to you to revaluate what you are doing.   Don’t make the client returning to the smoking behaviour a judge of your prowess; instead let it feedback data to help you.

You could ask the question perhaps, "Why would you not want it to work?’   You need honesty from the client here.   There are payoffs and functional purposes all over the place with smoking;  find them.   They may worry about not having a break at work, or the wife or husband would be left out because the sharing and togetherness couples have is key to the success in many cases. 

Create a touch program using NLP for them to activate at key times.  

Decide that you and the client are willing to review the process and continue learning.   Thank goodness people smoke, you may say, because the rewards of this second session will be utilised by the inner mind in all other areas of their life to enhance it.    The past is over, now is a new time! 

Summary

Be client focussed, be client led.   The above are just some ideas to get your creativity flowing.  You may use all of them, or something completely different.    Your client still wants your help or would not be putting themselves to the trouble of coming back to see you.    Use the returning smoker to make yourself the best therapist you possibly can be.   Each one is different, though the step by step guidelines below will help in all cases: 

Follow up on the first session;

Use the data to enhance your technique;

Connect with the positive effects of your original therapy;

Identify and explore deeply that moment of choice to smoke;

Revisit the new behaviour generator, perhaps in a new guise - eg, Gestalt;

Establish congruency, are all of the parts in agreement with these new behaviours? 

Address the functional purpose;

Work with fthe client's future self and their care of their physicality;

Use past choice successes to overlay on therapy; and, above all,

Be positive!

To be successful, be interested in your returning smoker and let your creativity flow.   Be interested in your own development and recognise that we are always learning and enjoy the process of becoming the best in the business!

Like Being Scared?

Five Nights at Freddy's: Are We Scared Yet?

Talk about exceeding expectations, the whoops of delight I heard captured my interest, what could make my child so excited and happy; a sequel to a computer game? Not quite. Not a sequel as it turns out. The reaction of loved ones drew me in. So much so that I have had to investigate and allow my curiosity as a hypnotist and behavioural expert to surface, or maybe I just wanted to join in the fun.

Why do we like to be scared?   What makes an animated children's character scary when it is not animated?  A lifeless doll, staring at us, with soul-less, empty eyes.

I think there’s much also to be said about the power of relief.  Being tensed up for long, intermittent periods and then knowing you are safe, or that you have triumphed over evil, or whatever, floods the mind and body with the natural chemical high of relief.  

Talk about exceeding expectations, the whoops of delight I heard captured my interest, what could make my child so excited and happy;  a sequel to a computer game?  Not quite.  Not a sequel as it turns out. 

Five Nights At Freddy’s 2 lead developer Scott Cawthon released this full game version several months early to the delight of fans everywhere, including my own household. 

The reaction of loved ones drew me in.  So much so that I have had to investigate and allow my curiosity as a hypnotist and behavioural expert to surface, or maybe I just wanted to join in the fun.

I was seeing grown mature(!) adults in reverie about the release of this new version and, watching their reactions, I just had to find out what all the fuss was about.

Generally speaking, you are a night watchman at a pizza place which has had its day.  It’s one of those children’s entertainment kind of places that give adults a break as huge characters come around and interact with the kids.  Well, these now unused characters become strangely animated at night and want to interact with you!

I think this is scary and hugely entertaining, maybe for the similar reasons that clowns and ventriloquist’s dummies have become scary in modern times.  Something about stuff that is supposed to be friendly and childlike, going horribly wrong, engages with our distrust and fear.  I remember the first time  I saw a toddler in a supermarket with a baby doll.  I mean a doll that looked exactly like a baby.  In my day (ahem!) dolls looked like dolls, you know, small versions of perfectly proportioned toddlers.  When I saw this floppy, bald, likelike doll being hugged lovingly one minute and swung around by the ankles the next, imagine my horror.

Anyway, you just have to firstly get into this Freddy thing and play the first version. You have to, that’s it.  Then the rest of this article will make sense.

With this version, several anomalies quickly made us draw the conclusion that this was furthering the intrigue of the first offering with insights and snippets of info that cleverly weaved the story into a sinister tale.   As a parent of course I was concerned at the reports of how scary this game was, beginning with the first one, though there is no blood and gore, no gratuitous graphics; moreover the horror is implied rather than thrown in your face.   Though in your face, this game is, with the jump-scares!

I am quickly learning to get over any preconceived ideas or imposed restrictions on gaming activities until I have actually watched these.  The first game was a cult hit, and the ‘sequel’ was only announced about a month ago.

There is in fact, in this version, a grand total of seven nights, the Five Nights At Freddy’s 2 delivers a interesting backstory as you uncover as you progress.

With now a bit of added stress, such as a musical box in the prize room which you must keep wound up remotely or else you witness the escape of the ‘Puppet’.  This means that while you are actively checking down the hall and vents with the limited power of the flashlight you must also keep opening up the camera screen to wind up the box. You don’t then realise the threats that are walking directly up to you, clever distraction. With the first version there were doors which you opened and closed which bought you a little time, in this version there are  no doors!

A twist in this version is that the animatronics, friendly faced (so all the more sinister) characters designed to entertain youngsters which at night seem hell bent on squashing your face into an animatronics head filled with wires and such like that would instantly, or indeed slowly (who knows) kill you, can be fooled by you wearing an empty Fazbear headpiece.   Trouble is, though you are then accepted and not attacked by the characters, whilst you wear the headpiece you are not able to wind up the music box or flash the light at the old Foxy, which you need to do to survive, which leaves you in a dilemma of switching between mask, flashlight and the camera system.  Doing this too slowly will leave you vulnerable to jump-scare attacks by the animatronics and, well, dead.

I know this is not making much sense to the uninitiated, though all the more reason to check out the first version plus this one. 

There’s a lot to be said about the ability to create a suspenseful atmosphere and I find this kill definitely lacking in your typical shoot them up kind of game.

This game is not for the faint of heart, but the rewards of  spending a week working the Freddy Fazbear’s night shift, especially when it comes at such a low price point, are ultimately rewarding. 

What makes us scared, why would we want to be?  Is it that we like to triumph over disaster?  If you want to play this you must be prepared to die and die and die again!  It is addictive I think because of one’s innate survival instinct.  You can try and leave it alone and think it is impossible to survive your job as a night watchman and then you hear or watch someone else play and the triumphant satisfaction that only comes after numerous failures, which engages with your curiosity and competitive instinct and of course your need to prove that you are more skilled than a ten year old. Have fun.

Why we don't ask Why!

The Happy Hypnotist, Why we don't ask why Part 3

That's it, you see, I asked. I asked why. Why didn't I just leave it? Why didn't we just talk about pasta or, better still, go for a juicy steak. Oh, there I go again, asking why. Stop it!

So, I offer to take you out for a meal at the local Italian restaurant and I mention that their pizzas are fabulous.  You tell me you really don’t like pizza and ask about the pasta dishes.   That’s fine.  Maybe I should (oh yes, shouldn’t say should either by the way, as it implies that either you or the other is wrong) just accept that you don’t like pizza, knowing you have your reasons, and move the conversation to the delights of pasta, which I know that you do like.  No, I don’t, oh dear.  I ask you why.   Why don’t you like pizza?  If I asked you instead, which pasta dishes do you like we would probably have a lovely conversation about stuff you like and the interaction would be most mouth wateringly pleasant.  Though I do not do I?  Curious to my detriment, because I like pizza, I wonder how anybody cannot like the freshly made, fabulously tempting Italian delicacy.  Why don’t you like pizza?

 You may say it’s because it’s just like having cheese on toast and you could do that yourself without my having to pay a premium for it in a fancy restaurant.  The way they toss the dough about stretching the gluten mass of bland chewing gum-like substance and twirling it into the bacteria ridden air just to show off is truly uncalled for.  You might tell me that you absolutely hate anchovies and why do they have to share the planet with you anyway and the way the rubbery cheese just sticks to the roof of your mouth and coalesces in your stomach into one huge ball of goo as the stodgy mass slowly pushes its way through your twenty two feet of intestine only to seemingly get stuck in your colon and cause you to spend the whole night straining in the bathroom.   Okay, I get it.  You don’t like pasta, I would think to myself, good grief, I only asked.

 That’s it, you see, I asked.  I asked why.  Why didn’t I just leave it?  Why didn’t we just talk about pasta or, better still, go for a juicy steak.  Oh, there I go again, asking why.  Apologies to my vegetarian readers, gosh you can’t please everyone all of the time can you? 

 Of course, I exaggerate.  Unless we were very close friends, family or spouses perhaps, I would probably only ever know your surface structure.  You would keep all that paragraph locked away in your deep structure (particularly the bathroom scenario, just too much information thanks) and I would just recognise by your voice tone, body language and the look of dread in your eyes that pizza is a no-no.

 The questions in the meta model do not have any ‘why’ questions. When you ask someone a ‘why’ question, often they feel they have to defend what they have said or done, make excuses or rationalise their behaviour. Asking why is like saying you don’t understand, or that you do not accept that someone else doesn’t like what you like, for example.

 Another thing can happen here though, be warned.  If someone really wants to tell you their opinion and you don’t offer any curiosity as to their preference, it is amazing how the information is offered anyway.   The way we communicate with each other is truly fascinating and if you hold back on the ‘whys’ you are used to asking and your friend suddenly recognises the absence of them, they may think you no longer care.

 So, what would you do instead?  There is an interesting question; how do you ask questions without using why?  Let’s examine that in the next part.  Why?  Now, behave, okay?

The Meta Model Part 2: Deep Structure

The Happy Hypnotist, Deep Structure and the Meta Model Part 2

Deep structure and surface structure: why is this all useful to know you ask? For me, it is absolutely fascinating to know I do this! Of course, like you, I did not think I really did this to a great degree, though it was easy to notice it in others. Welcome aboard.

Last time we looked at the origins of the meta model and introduced how we all delete, distort and generalise the information we process. Let’s now take it a bit further and get a bit more structured.

 The meta model is designed to teach the listener how to hear and respond to the form of the speaker’s communication.  This model allows you to respond in a way to obtain the fullest meaning from the communication.  Using the meta model you can discover the richness and limits of the information as well as the modelling processes the speaker is using.

 Deep Structure and Surface Structure

At a deep level of thought, a speaker has complete knowledge of what he wishes to communicate to someone else. This is called the deep structure and operates at an unconscious level. In order to be efficient in his verbal or written communication, we unconsciously delete, generalise or distort our inner thoughts based on beliefs and values, memories, decisions (limiting), strategies, what we want you to hear, etc. What is finally said or written (surface structure) is only a small subset of the original thought and may be ambiguous or confusing and lead to miscommunication and very often does.

 Why is this all useful to know you ask?  For me, it is absolutely fascinating to know I do this!  Of course, like you, I did not think I really did this to a great degree, though it was easy to notice it in others.   Are we really this bad at communicating?  Actually we are really good at communicating what we think we would like to communicate, though not necessarily what the truth of our experience is.  This is why reading someone else’s diary is so fascinating, naughty and forbidden, because to know, to really know what is at the deep structure level of another human being is all consuming. 

 To illustrate deep structure and surface structure and why it is important to be aware of the distinction, let’s assume you are my therapist. Before saying or writing a word and often in a blink of an eye, my inner thoughts (deep structure) are unconsciously filtered through my model of the world (beliefs and values, etc.) without my conscious appreciation, of course.

 I might say to you something like, “My family doesn’t appreciate what I do.” Which is the offering of the surface structure of my communication. You, as my friend and therapist take in my words and at a deep level of thought (your deep structure), filter what I have said through your beliefs and values, memories, decisions and then you may say (surface structure) something such as “I know exactly what you are saying and here is what you should do.”

 Really, however, you do not.  I have not said what I really mean and you are doing your best to help me, though that advice is purely based on your own map of the world.  With the best of intentions, you have no idea how to help me, because I have not given you enough information.  I have not told you the truth.

 This is not to say that anybody is purposely lying.  It is just that we throw away words so flippantly and others are so wanting to be helpful, it all gets very confusing, very quickly and nobody feels understood.

 Worse still, this may result in an argument because I feel you do not understand me and are always telling me what to do and I may become more entrenched in continuing with my limiting beliefs and behaviours as you adamantly stick to your own views too. What a shame.  I am (kind of) asking for help and you are doing what you think is your utmost to help and we are at loggerheads. 

 What do you do?  Well, a good approach is to realise I am not communicating very well and have a little empathy, knowing that emotional states blur communication and it is really how I feel that I need support with.  You could be well advised just to get very curious about what I have said and to ask questions for both of us to gain a better appreciation of my deep structure.

 Of course only do this by invitation, as you feel your way asking one or two questions and if you get the ‘back off’ face as I call it, when you intuitively know you have overstepped the mark, outstayed your welcome or the like, stop.

 If I really want help (and, by the way, many times we do not, we just want a sympathetic ear or someone to validate that we are in the right and the rest of the world is of course entirely wrong because you are my friend after all) then I will accept and perhaps encourage your further delving into my private world.

 Once we have this clarity, you are in a better position to provide advice. What often happens is that when I, as the client, get clarity on the issue and what needs to be done, I do not need your advice, but simply your continued support and curiosity. You, in essence, merely help me discover the path from my surface structure to my deep structure of language through questioning, sounds easy doesn’t it?

 This is why I tell my students that this really is an easy job.  The tricky bit is to lay off!  The tricky bit is to hold back when you want to gush out all your advice. The clever bit is to worm your way around to the client, or friend, discovering the solution that you think you knew from the start.  When I have my penny dropping moment and offer the solution you have crafted a path for me to discover by your clever questioning, we are cooking with gas.

 The Meta Model provides with a structure, with a firm set of questions to assist the person we are helping (client) to move from the surface structure of their communication to an understanding of their deep structure, which is unconscious beliefs, values, decisions. This is not about finding the right answers but having a better understanding of your client’s model of the world, knowing that the right answers are always elusive and in a constant state of flux.   So if you want to understand your flux filled client and your flux filled mind, we will continue to examine this meta model in the next part with why not to say why!

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The Meta Model Intro

The Happy Hypnotist, Introducing the Metal Model Part 1

We are lucky to be hypnotists of the modern world because we can choose to mix and match our personal therapeutic approach from many great practitioners who have gone before us.

We are lucky to be hypnotists of the modern world because we can choose to mix and match our personal therapeutic approach from many great practitioners who have gone before us.

Many brilliant modern day hypnotists are great enthusiasts of the Indirect Model, the originator of which was Milton Erickson.  In fact the Indirect Model is also referred to as the Ericksonian approach, with respect to the great Erickson.  This is a fantastic approach and serves us all well, though today I would like to pay homage to its opposite:  let’s take a look at the Meta Model.

Now you are familiar with the word ‘meta’ with our English words like metaphysics though maybe you have not given much thought to its origins.  Meta comes from the modern Greek language and means ‘to go beyond’ or ‘after’.  So metaphysics is beyond or after physics.  To meta question is to go beyond or after, ‘ordinary’ type questioning.

John Grinder and Richard Bandler developed the Meta Model by modelling two very successful therapists, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir, who got exceptionally positive results from their clients by having them be more specific in how they communicated. That is, they found that by using certain types of questions to gather information Grinder and Bandler observed that people tend to delete, distort and generalise their take on reality. We all do it.  However, we do all this unconsciously.   Hold onto your hats because once you become consciously aware of how we all dodge the true experience of reality, it can get a bit bumpy.

Regarding how we delete for example, we only present some of the information available at any one time, seeming to ignore some very relevant information as it does not suit our take on reality.

We distort by choosing to over simplify or fantasise about what is possible or what has happened.  A lot of our stories would be quite bland without our own personal emphasis and deletion!  

To recover the information missing as a result of deletions, generalisations and distortions, Grinder and Bandler identified twelve different patterns with corresponding questions and called this the Meta Model. So, the Meta Model is about being more specific to get a better understanding of the person’s take, or model, of the world.

 ll human communication has the potential to be ambiguous and as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, reality is certainly in the mouth of the communicator.

The purpose of the questions is to cut through this ambiguity, to access the missing information for both the client and the therapist.

We have a tendency to generalise by making general statements about what we believe, how we see others, our values and so forth. We usefully choose to ignore possible exceptions or special conditions that could present valid argument that would not support our cause.  Like I say, we do all this unconsciously though and when we begin to realise how skewed our view of reality can be it can come as a bit of a shock.  Of course, we do this for our clients in a loving way.   If a person has no idea why on earth they behave in a particular way then we can ask the right questions and cajole the client into recognising that they are merely behaving in a way that serves them.

What I mean by this is that, let’s say a client says they can’t stop eating chocolate.  Well, we know they can.  We know they are not eating chocolate right now, so proving the point.  What they really mean is they choose to eat chocolate from time to time because they find it tastes nice, makes them happy, gives them energy, is part of a sharing, social experience when offered it by a friend or loved one, it’s sweet, it’s smooth, it is fulfilling, oh I think I had better stop now before I need to go and buy some!

Asking the right questions can return a person to their sense of responsibility.  Take responsibility for making a choice and you are back in control.  However, the tricky bits come when someone pleads that it was not their choice at all.   The cookie monster, the evil cigarette companies, the friend at work who is really not a friend at all and just wants you to be fat, is to blame!

Although based on the work of two therapists, the Meta Model has much wider reach and through this series of articles we will recognise how helpful it can be for our own inner talk as well as for communicating with others.  Watch out though, as it can also provoke argument when used indiscreetly. 

Once mastered, the Meta Model is a powerful and useful tool. However, it does take practice to master the questioning process and the process must be undertaken with a high degree of rapport for as soon as a person feels pressured you have lost their trust and maybe a good friend. 

MicroExpressions and Deception Analysis

DECEPTION ANALYSIS AND YOU

Lesson one

Recent research on deception uncovered the existence of micro expressions and subtle expressions that result from suppressing strongly felt emotion.

Definition

A micro expression is registered on the face in a micro second. They differ from other facial expressions in that we do not really like displaying them (either consciously or unconsciously) and they disappear quickly. Micro expressions involve the whole of the face and engage the same muscles in the face in all of us. Subtle expressions involve part of the muscle set and are often tell tale signs of the full emotional state.

When and why do they happen?

Micro-expressions and subtle expressions have been scientifically documented as the concealed signs of emotion, which are displayed on the face in high stakes situations when we have something substantial to lose or gain in a situation.

So, they occur when a person either deliberately or unconsciously conceals a strong emotion. There are now scientifically known to be seven emotions which have universal signals on the faces of human beings which are: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, contempt, surprise and happiness. You can learn to recognise them now, consciously, as you already know them to a degree as you will begin to realise during this course.

These expressions are flashed upon the face in a fraction of a second. Literally, blink and you miss them. Well, you miss then consciously, though your unconscious has always known about them and has learned from a very young age how to respond to them.

Why you need to know about them

Have you ever thought someone was deceiving you, though you just weren’t sure of it? Were you proved correct, months or even years down the track and just wished you had paid attention to that ‘gut instinct’ (which was you unconscious screaming at you, but you had no logical reason to entertain the idea). Do you sometimes wish you could tell how people really felt?

Do you interview people at work or wish you could read the mind of the interviewer and deliver the perfect response? Would you simply like to have the tools to determine if the person you are talking to is being truthful?  This doesn’t have to be a negative situation; hopefully folks do lie to you to save you from bad news or to keep that special Christmas present a secret from you until the big day.

What you will learn in the entire course

In this course you will learn how to recognise the displays of emotion on the face of the person you are communicating with, before they know it themselves and often, with their complete unawareness of your recognition. People will start to comment that you must be a mind reader or ask just how did you know?

What you will need: A mirror and/or a webcam or some way of seeing your facial movements

What you will learn in this section: How your forehead moves when expressing certain emotional states. How to identify those states on the faces of others.

Why this is helpful: Identifying an emotional state in another, even if it is denied by them verbally, increases your communication skills dramatically as you respond to that state.

Introduction to face reading

You do not know your own face as well as you think you do! The first step in identifying states of emotion on others is to know what your own face is doing. We all have the same musculature in the face, men, women, children, whether in outer Mongolia or inner Birmingham. It is now proven that there are seven emotional states which are identifiable on the human face and common to all. These are innate, not learned. Certain facial muscles and thus emotional ‘faces’ are easy to pull voluntarily and thus falsify. Certain facial muscles involved in particular expressions are very difficult, or impossible, to activate voluntarily for most of the population and thereby particularly reliable in reading others.

Your forehead

Have you wondered why you feel uneasy when speaking to someone who has had some ‘work’ done to their forehead? When the forehead is frozen, we are denied the unconscious information we need to interpret subtle (and not so subtle!) information given away by our forehead.

Of course, there is more to the face than just the forehead, though this course will bring your attention to the muscles of the forehead and how the unconscious part of you, which governs all of your bodily processes, activates the particular muscles of the face to communicate how you are feeling to others.

Yes, you already know a great deal about how others communicate with you by subconsciously ‘reading’ their facial muscles, the forehead particularly, which is what all great actors and actresses and many politicians have either learned or inherently have known to be true.

The big gap in your knowledge is, strangely, your own face.

Now, get your mirror or prepare to switch on your webcam so that you will be able to see your own face clearly.

Prepare your face. I know this sounds a bit daft. Actually this ought to read perhaps ‘Don’t prepare your face’. Just remember times you have seen your own face without the preparation you usually give it before your own viewing! You know, when someone has taken a photograph of you that you do not like, or when you catch your own reflection in a shop window, for example. Or, nowadays, when your mobile phone’s camera is reversed as you see your own weirdly angled face gazing perplexedly into that small metal box instead of the glorious scene you thought you were photographing!

I would like you to do this experiment

Before gazing at your own image, relax your face. Consciously relax all the muscles in your forehead, cheeks, jaw and chin. It is quite a skill to let it all go, though do it.

Now, literally, without moving a muscle, on the face in any case, look at your face closely.

When you accept your face as it appears at rest, now it is time to make note of the areas of your face, without judgment.

Close your eyes and think of something sad. What do you think will happen to your forehead? What do you think may happen to your eyebrows? Truly think of something very said to you personally and then, and only then, open your eyes to look at your image.

What usually happens is that we are so surprised or sympathetic to our expression that we immediately change that expression ‘automatically’. If this happens, do the experiment again.

I shall show you my own forehead now, please realizing that these expressions are somewhat exaggerated to give you a proper indication of the movements of the forehead, in other words, obviously my forehead is not that wrinkly (okay, yes it is, though aren’t you lucky to have such a clear example, praise the situations which have given rise to such wrinkles to help you today!).

for more information, get the book  Link: http://amzn.eu/iSrkPjG thank you!

Leading and Loaded Questions

Leading and Loaded Questions: the art of influence

Leading Questions

Were you pushed or were you led? Have you ever agreed to something and, in retrospect, wished you hadn’t? You may have found yourself agreeing to pick someone up from the airport, or go out on a evening when you were tired and wanted to stay home, for example. Usually, this is marked by someone else saying something to you like, “Why did you say we would go, for goodness sake” or “why on earth did you agree to do that!”

Skilled interrogators, such as detectives, lawyers and, yes, therapists, use questions that are deliberately designed to make others think in a certain way. Leading questions either include the answer, point the listener in the right direction of what the questioner is looking for, or include some form of carrot or stick to send them to the 'right' answer.

It is important at all times to recognize them and only use them when there is a deliberate purpose for doing so. So, “You’re not going to eat that are you, I thought you were on a diet?” for example, may mark the demise of a beautiful relationship!

Assumptive questions

Wheels within wheels: questions which are considered leading questions can be categorised further. Leading questions can use the assumption principle, for example by moving the subject out of the sentence:

"So, how much will house prices go up next year?"

“It’s a good idea to sell now before prices plummet, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it awful how lazy some people can be?”

“How delicious is this cheesecake?”

“Out of all the delicious desserts out there, isn’t cheesecake the absolutely best thing ever?”

This last example assumes that you think all desserts are delicious and begs confirmation that cheesecake surpasses them all. You will notice with them all that there is an assumption proposed, such as house prices increasing or decreasing (depending on whether someone was trying to encourage you to hold onto your property or sell your house right now), or that people that are not as busy as the questioner, ought to be categorised as lazy and you should think it awful too! You may in fact hate cheesecake, but what is the harm in agreeing to its deliciousness when you witness your friend tucking into a plateful of their favourite dessert? The final question in this section takes it further, by intimating that eating desserts, cheesecake particularly, is better than anything that exists on the planet.

Linked statements

You can also create leading questions by using the association principle around things you said previously and which are still in the mind of the person being questioned. For example:

"I really hate this government!!...What are your thoughts?”

“Drink drivers really make my blood boil... You drive don’t you, what do you think?”

You can also put something else of significant leadership within the question (note the coercion in this statement):

"What do you think about Fred Bloggs? Many people are opposed to him, by the way."

“What do you think about psychics? Many people say it’s a load of baloney by the way”

“Who did you vote for in the last election? You didn’t vote for that load of losers did you?”

You could alternatively add desirable carrots in the statement:

"Would you prefer to live in America or in England, where the crime rate is very low."

“Would you prefer to come to see me this week or wait until next month, when the price will increase?”

“Would you like to take it with you now, or pay for postage for delivery to your house next week?”

Note how the crime rate in America is not mentioned, but the link of low crime with England will still make it more desirable. The second example in this set encourage the client to book their appointment for this week, indicating that it will be cheaper to do so than waiting until the next. This third one similarly influences the customer to buy now to save on postage charges.

Implication questions

Asking questions that lead the other person to think of consequences or implications of current or past events links the past with the future in a chain of cause-and-effect.

"If you vote for that party, then what do you think will happen to taxes? What happened last time they were in power?"

“If you eat that cheesecake now, what do you think will happen when you go on the scales on Sunday?”

“Do you think it’s a good idea for you to drive home tonight as you have had a drink?”

“Remember what happened last time you went out without your umbrella, don’t you think you should take it with you now?”

“You might be okay right now, but you know what smoking does to your lungs over the years, don’t you?

Getting the idea now? Oh, is that me influencing you, by the way, intimating that you SHOULD have understood the idea now?! All of these in this set above imply that there will be a certain consequence, backed up by the questioner’s evidence (which may or may not be correct) to your making a certain decision.

Ask for agreement

Direct leading questions is where there are closed questions that clearly ask for agreement, making it almost obligatory for the other person to say 'yes' than 'no'. Watch out for these ones, especially when a skilled salesperson asks you two preceding questions which you happily agree to as they are somewhat innocuous, then slipping in a third that you almost unconsciously agree to merely because of repetition. For example, “You like to save money, right?” “Yes.” “And wouldn’t you like to have more money to spend on things that you like, rather than household bills?” “Yes.” “Then, I am sure you would agree to switch over your electricity supply to our cheaper option wouldn’t you?”

"Do you agree that we need to save the whales?"

“You are better off now though, aren’t you?”

“Surely you want to be losing the weight before you get any older, don’t you?”

“Don’t you wish you had more money?”

“Everyone is happier when the sun shines, aren’t they?”

“Don’t you want this last piece of cheesecake?”

Loaded Questions

A loaded question implies some fact that has not been previously established. In answering this kind of question (with its negative implication), one is put in a dilemma. One is pushed to confirm their stance.

Examples:

“What do you think is going to happen if you carry on this way?”

“Do you still drink too much?”

“Are you still putting on weight?”

“Are you still unable to stop smoking?”

“When are you going to get yourself a real job?”

“Do you still like eating all that cake?”

“How much longer are you going to put up with being treated like a fool?”

“Don’t you regret the pain you’ve caused?”

“How can you sleep at night after what you’ve done?”

“How much weight shall you have to put on before you finally diet?”

“Would you like to eat that piece of cheesecake, or give it to me because you said you were on a diet?”

“When are you going to face up to your responsibilities?”

“Before you upset somebody else, are you going to do something about your temper?”

“Didn’t you realize how much debt you’d be in before you bought this?”

“Don’t you care about the cost to the environment when you waste all that fuel?”

Note, regarding therapy, the idea behind this kind of questioning is to establish your client’s position. If they acknowledge or agree with the negative consequences of your loaded question then they are ready for change, however, if they defend or justify their position against your loaded question they are not ready for change and you would not be advised to continue with therapy unless you could metaquestion the client around.

Summary

Now that you know how helpful this article has been, you will be leaving a positive comment below won’t you? Beware of questions bearing loads and listen carefully to what you are asked, listening even more carefully to your own answer! Have fun.